I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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