At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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