Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she was so not down for the gang bang
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
