When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Someone signed my nipple.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
