Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
40s are totally the cure
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
