You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
