they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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