So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
