I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
