A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
