She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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