Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize