don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
