please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
