see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
