What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
pray to the hookup gods
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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