im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
