If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
