The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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