I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
