He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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