Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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