I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
