I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my shit smells like andre
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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