Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
