i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
