I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
