I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Found the puke drawer
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
