woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
