Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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