I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
