I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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