I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We are all done wearing pants today
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
