since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
