my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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