I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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