I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
