It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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