I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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