Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
