hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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