if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize