Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
