I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
