dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
