You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
babies were throwing up all over the place
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
