oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
