dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
