i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
