Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
