My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
