On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
