i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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