You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
