Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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