Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
